Feeling "IT"

What is this “it” you speak of TJO?

Well, thanks for asking friend. What I speak of is, to be honest, is progression of my condition. For man, ALS can be unrelenting in its consumption of life, taking daily, until there is but ones last breath to steal from us. For some like me, it lingers, taking inch by inch, occasionally reminding us. It does this by taking abruptly, or by tormenting the mind. This is my current state.

You see, my anxiety does not manifest outwardly, instead it is internalized. I don’t experience panic attacks, when I do, they are very mild. Never paralyzing, very manageable. No, my anxiety manifests as hives, and intestinal issues. We used to believe I was experiencing allergies to medications, but we’ve learned otherwise.

Of late, my condition, coupled with the complications we have experienced, have made it necessary to treat my anxiety. Yes, the obstacles we have faced are stressful, but they are fixable. My ALS is not, if I’m brutally honest, I’m getting emotional writing this. If I’m going to share, I’m sharing all of it. It’s very painful at times, the mind just on a loop, reminding you of the eventuality.

I don’t usually dwell in this headspace, there are times when we just have to spend a little time here. It’s only natural, it is human nature. During these periods I have to medicate, otherwise my body wouldn’t be able to sustain the giant hive I would turn into. It ain’t easy knowing full well what will be your demise, just saying. We can’t deny ourselves these emotions or periods, when they envelop us. It will pass, until the next episode. I know they will get more intense and perhaps last longer. However, I am surrounded by an incredible family, and with their support I will endure.

TJO